7 Things You Won't Get to Do Once You Have Children
Posted Thursday, June 12th 2014 @ 7am
After kids you don't get to:
Be Selfish - Aside from the fact that you share your things to make your children happy, it's literally an illegal parenting move to not share - because it goes against everything you've taught them since like … birth!
Be Naked. No walking to the laundry room to look for a clean bra. No blowing your hair or putting on make up, sans robe. No birthday suit appearances at ALL, without worrying that your body may be the cause of their therapy in later life.
Be Sick - Doctor's appointments still stand, sports games aren't cancelled, kids still need to be fed and bathed. Before kids one could sit home for a week throwing snot filled tissues in a pile on the floor, bathing once every other day … or two, moaning, and binging on Sudafed. Now recuperation consists of you sucking on a lozenge while driving carpool in your comfy sweats.
Do Nothing. No, for the rest of your parenting life you will have purpose … every minute of every day. Whether it's cleaning, cooking, working, running errands, trying to stay fit, keeping the kids entertained, happy, fed, clean, healthy, or from beating each other up - you will be doing something. Even the rare times that you're "doing nothing" you're doing something, it's called, maintaining sanity.
Have Crazy Sex. Yes, there was probably a time when all your encounters didn't take place in the bedroom between the hours of 9PM and midnight. Maybe you were loud, maybe you couldn't make it past the kitchen, maybe you moved from room to room leaving a trail of garments in your wake.
Watch One Of YOUR Shows With the Kids. Half the stuff is inappropriate. And you'll be answering questions all night long.
Get a GOOD Night's Sleep. "How deep are we sleeping when a late night rollover could wake us from across the house?" And let's not forget waking up to pee (our bladders aren't what they used to be), to check the kids (again), to let the dog out, and to look at the clock and assess how many more hours of sleep you could get - if you were in fact sleeping. Then once the kids are even older, you can't sleep until they're safely home and in bed. So basically, sleep is pretty much ruined for decades.