Colin Kaepernick, the star San Francisco 49ers quarterback who is so enamored with his own body that he kisses his bicep every time he scores a touchdown, is under investigation for a sexual assault alleged to have occurred in Miami. Police probing of the assault, said to have happened at the Viceroy Hotel earlier this month, is in the "beginning stages," although a police report alleges that the incident involved a ton of booze, weed, and the victim waking up in a hospital bed with no idea how she got there. For their part, the 49ers say they are in the process of "gathering facts." Another Niner and a Seahawks are also believed to have been involved.

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